The Great Toilet Paper War

Have you heard? There's a toilet paper thief loose in Arlington.

Or so says the management of the building where I work. They started rationing toilet paper earlier this summer in an effort to thwart the thief from running off with the spare rolls kept in nifty little baskets under the sink.

I don't think it occurred to the building management that the toilet paper was actually being used by the building occupants.

Over the weekend they installed new locking toilet paper holders, which threw my entire office into an uproar today and drove me to write the following email:

Dear Building Manager:

I congratulate you on your latest battle maneuver in the Toilet Paper War. I noticed this morning that you have installed locking toilet paper dispensers in the women's restroom. We women on the second floor will most surely cease using your precious paper now. For one, we can't comfortably sit on the commode in the first stall because the dispenser is in the way. Second, the dispenser dispenses the paper in small bits and pieces because the paper rolls neither fit nor roll.

Alas, I fear your latest attempt to curtail our bathroom usage will also fail. Our numbers have not decreased and our hours spent in the building are about to increase (as they always do this time of year). I wonder if your next move will be the installation of hidden cameras to catch the toilet paper thief in action?

Or, could it possibly be that WE USE A LOT OF TOILET PAPER?

Happily, the paper towel dispensers seem to work just fine. While a bit rougher than toilet paper, it is better than nothing.

Insincerely yours,

Dillypoo

Unfortunately, my boss wouldn't let me send it when I made the offer. He seemed to think it had a bit too much "attitude." A more gentle request to move the stupid dispensers was sent instead.

The battle ain't over yet, folks...